Connecting with your team

Good relationships provide a powerful foundation for coaching. Connecting is something you do and can practice getting better at, particularly the art of listening well.

Connecting, in itself, turns lives around, because empathy is like a fuel that helps people to feel safe and brave enough to change. Every conversation can make a difference, whether formal or informal, short or long, whether about sport or other things.

What is stopping me connecting

  1. Connecting is a soft skill:
    A sideshow to the main task of preparing to win.
  2. Just be friendly:
    “Banter” is sufficient. A good relationship means you are always relaxed and smiling together.
  3. Talk only about sport:
    Ignore their lives, relationships, dreams and world outside of sport.
  4. Solve a problem, offer reassurance or give advice instead of listening:
    Imagine that if they only listened to you, all will be well. If things go wrong, that will probably be their fault.
  5. Ignore your feelings:
    It about them, not me.

5 Tips to connect

  1. Authenticity: Be honest & open about yourself and the mistakes you make, this engenders trust and psychological safety
  2. Speak to the person: Focus on someone with strengths, who appreciates choice, kindness and who has dreams, challenges and good qualities.
  3. Be curious:  Have conversations driven by compassion and curiosity.  Ask about how they are feeling and behaving, whether about sport or other things. How are they feeling when you talk to them?
  4. Open Questions: This takes courage. They, not you, are in control of what is said. You follow. It’s like knocking on a door.  Once inside, there are other skills besides questions you can use.
  5. Listen: Use listening statements, affirmations and summaries: These are things you can say besides using questions. They keep the conversation going and ensure you are empathising and not interfering!  

Top Questions that help you connect

  1. How are you feeling today?
  2. What happened?
  3. Where did things go wrong for you?
  4. What’s going to really help to get you into your A-game?
  5. How can I best help you?
  6. What sort of coaching helps you the most?
  7. What kind of practice will help you the most today?

Notice how the last four questions all point the conversation in the direction of change and improvement – as they talk through the answers, their confidence will lift, if you let them say what they think and feel.  New insights emerge, new paths to improvement.

Mindset & Skills

Connecting involves both mindset and skills, and both can be worked on. Start with your mindset. Like putting on a different set of lenses to see through. You are not the “deficit detective” solving problems, but someone who chooses to connect for a period of time.

  1. Let go of:    Cleverness, Clutter and Complexity in your mind
  2. Hold on to: Being Calm, Curious and Compassionate
Questioning with intent has 4 elements

  1. Ask
  2. Listen
  3. Affirm (Re-ask)
  4. Summarise (actions if appropriate)

These skills are like notes in a melody, mix them up but do not allow any one (e.g. asking) to dominate

Remember be curious, compassionate and calm. Try to imagine the likely response before you say something. Use their reaction as feedback for you.

Asking

Closed questions useful for getting information; you receive a simple answer, often “yes” or “no”.

  1. “Have you seen the physio yet?”

Open questions can focus on the past, the present or the future.  By focussing on the future you have the best potential for exploring improvement.

  1. “How do you see your game getting better over the next couple of weeks?”
  2. “How are you doing today?  (completely open).
  3. “How do you see your game going today?” (narrower focus)
  4. “What did you notice about that last movement?” (even narrower focus – you might be looking for a particular answer)

Listening

A question is like knocking on a door, then listening is what happens when you are invited inside.

You make statements rather than only rely on questions. You offer up statements as guesses, hypotheses or little summaries of what you imagine the person is saying or could be saying or feeling 

  • “Hi Mike, you’re looking really up for it today”
  • “The injury is getting better but that does not mean you are free of frustration”
  • “You seem a bit confused about your position today”
  • “That must feel good”

The intonation of your voice goes down at the end not up. It does not matter if you are wrong with a listening statement, the person will correct you.

Why use listening statements?  Listening statements are like handing the baton over to the person and they can say just what they like, in their own words – it is also the most rapid way to establish empathy.

Affirming

This is a statement you make in admiration or appreciation of their strengths, values or behaviour. Less of a judgement, more like shining a torch on what you notice, so you point it out, there for them to take ownership of.  Different to praise which is more like a judgement you make. Affirmations lift people, especially if they have not noticed what you have.

  1. That must have taken some effort
  2. You might have lost but you sure kept your nerve there
  3. Being a good teammate is really important to you

Notice that the word “I” is not involved. It’s about them, not you!

Summarising

If a conversation takes more than a few minutes, and/or it has advice then it can be helpful so create a summary of what you have heard.

They feel understood and empathised with.  A summary is like a collection of things about them and what they said that you have logged as the conversation went along, like a gathering of observations. What you include in a summary is where the magic lies. Avoid using the word “I”. Rather use “you”.

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